Monday, August 23, 2010

Pirahna 3D

I was torn on this movie. On one hand, it is a 3d movie. I see almost every 3d movie. I am kind of an idiot about it. It could be "paint drying.... in 3D!" and I might see it.  On the other hand, it looked really stupid.

I debated for a few days about seeing it. I know there are movies out right now that are more deserving of my attention. I know the plot, characters, acting, dialogue, pacing... everything, will be pretty dumb. I know just thinking about seeing it makes me an imbecile. I know.

yeah, this is going to be deep...

I saw it anyway. What can I say! I have never actually thought of film, in itself, as an elevated medium. I often go to movies with no expectation of seeing truth, beauty, art, or any other higher emotion. Call me a plebeian, but I often go to movies to see action, violence, big breast, bigger explosions, and humor. Occasionally, even romance. 

This movie did not disappoint my lowered expectations. The dialogue was... well, it might have been better as a silent performance piece. plot = characters = acting = "none existent". The pacing was good, in the sense that things occurred in the correct order. But who cares, it was still fun. 

You know they are bad, because their eyes are red!

Why was it fun?

Reason number 1. Boobs. There were a lot of them. At the beginning of the movie, the first pair of boobs we saw had pasties over them. Disappointment. Anger! I said to myself that if something did not happen fast, I was walking to another theater down the hall to re-watch Inception.  A short while later, more boobs later occupied the screen. Relief. Later on there is a lesbian themed scene, where two girls make out underwater to classical music. It is funny, but I can't actually remember what the piece was, though I am certain I recognized it. At this point in the development of our movie, we get full frontal nudity, both head on and from the "bottom". Actually, it was pretty risky for a R rating. Did I mention that this nudity was underwater, AND IN 3D? Hell yes!

Reason number 2. It was 3d, this gives you something too watch on the screen while absolutely nothing in the way of a story progresses. Didn't really care about the rest of the movie too much. All I thought about the rest of the movie was the lesbian underwater scene. Really, this is just getting too awesome. I mean imagine, zero buoyancy breast, floating underwater, lesbian girls making out, in 3D! How do you top that?

Reason number 3. Oh, I guess there was one other cool part of the movie. The "proffessor" in the movie was Christopher Loyd of Back to the Future fame.

There were so many stupid things about this movie. I mean really, listing them is just a waste of both of our time. It is a fun movie if you have someone with you who does no take themselves too seriously. Someone who you can turn too and say "Man, that was a big explosion" or "Whoa, look at those breast" without needing to justify yourself. I would not recommend this for women, men with women, or even someone who has a unisex name. Still, if you can turn your brain off for 90 minutes, it is a fun enough midpoint to your day.

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